My Stump Speech

Friends, Utahns, Countrymen, lend me your ear. The time has come to put an end to all this snow. I am tired of it. I want to be able to leave the house without shoveling. I want to get past the Olers house without having to be pushed by friends and family. I know you want the same things. Let us work together to bring this soul-sucking madness to an end.

For those of you who may say, but we need the water, I say, let it snow in the mountains until mid-June. The snow level at my house in no way affects the snow pack or the continuation of the drought, and is therefore unnecessarily high. For those of you who may say, but we love the winter sports, I say, love them at Snowbird, but my driveway is not steep enough to make much of a downhill run, therefore it does not need two feet of snow upon it.

Tomorrow as you go to the polls, think about the poor women who so desperately want to go to aerobics in the morning, yet can't even get out of their driveway. Think of the children who are stuck in the house with their seasonally depressed mom. Think of your dry winter skin flaking and itching and even bleeding. But most of all, think of tulips and park days and barbeques. Think, my friends, of Spring. I urge you to use your voting powers for good and help me end the snow! God bless America.